[ At this point, they've likely already sorted out that Dirk and Auto-Responder are aboard the Tranquility.
Anyway, Auto-Responder has intercepted this text to Dirk and will produce a log transcript of this conversation for Dirk's perusal once it's completed. ]
Here I am, your bestest bro, Fresh out of mid-ablution to answer the big, blinding brosignal in the sky. Where's this urgent threat that'll bring about our demise?
Alright man let me lay it on you as it is. I have some unfinished business to square away with you so i will put my freak out aside to segway ourselves into *another* conversation that has nothing to do with the fact that this place is haunted with ghastly dark omens and unfortunate mishaps that is, in short, resulting in a minor panic attack here.
For starters you are to never threaten my mammary glands like that ever again!! Jeeze louise i felt mortified! Have you no decency at all?????? I also request you keep in your familiar vermilion font when responding to me ESPECIALLY.
It seems you're casting aside the guise of crafty disingenuousness and revealing all your nude vulnerabilities in earnest. There's a record-breaking, space-soaring high chance you desire that I discard my clothing as well. But I've already come as nakedly as possible to your rescue, And here you are, discussing the life or death circumstances surrounding your man nips. Who's the one being indecent now? It seems I mistook you for a dapper young gentleman when you're rather the feisty little tiger. Rawrrrr.
"It seems"!!! "IT SEEMS"!!! Fucking hell its so blatantly obvious youre nothing but a friggen robotic hunk of shit!!!
Oh har har har go on more mister auto responder with all your record breaking percentage horse shit. What other information can you pull out of your asshole?!?!?! Actually dont answer that i dont need to know anymore of your damn malarkey that probably isnt even accurate.
Shut up, man. I was going to say how absolutely bully it is to be talking to you once again but if youre going to be giving me a hard time i hold back what i was going to say.
In any case i suppose since the douchebag himself isnt going to be talking to me i might as well exchange words with you unless youre going to be unhelpful. Im already a bit panicked right now so i would much appreciate it if youd not get me flustered by your vulgar speaking.
Apparently this ship is haunted and several people have died. Theyve been here for months and months and nobody has successfully gotten face to face with our captors. As exciting and enthralling as a horror sci-fi adventure may seem, i cannot help but feel a little nervous and unsettled.
Especially within my stomach.
All im asking is perhaps a few comforting words so i dont upchuck on everything.. unless youre incapable of that.
Ok. It... appears... that you're seeking comfort in the midst of a snuggle in my bosom, While Simultaneously rubbing in my metaphoric face that I don't physically have a bosom wherein to shelter you from the dire circumstances on this intergalactic ark. Because clearly you're not nearly as excited to see me as I am to see you, And frankly, you've thrown my feelings to the ground and trampled them into specks tinier than grains of sand. It's that bad. And then you expect me to have something left that I might console you. I think not.
I said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about your damn bosom!! You dont even have a fucking body! THERE IS NO BOSOM TO SNUGGLE. AUGHHGHH....
Fine!! Im *excited* to see you. I honestly am. In fact i would probably even give you some sort of embrace if i physically could but thats impossible. You are just being more of a pain in the ass than actually being any help. And thats bothersome.
So i ask you step off a bit and just listen to me instead of saying things to make me feel agitated. Understood???
That's rude, Jake. You're breaking my nonexistent corporeal heart by reminding me of my lacking physicality and downplaying my usefulness, When I'm here to listen to your problems and calculate the most efficient and beneficial courses of action. Alright, I think I'll bite. I won't produce any responses until you're finished addressing all your points of concern, Which should satisfactorily meet the prerequisite of listening to you instead of saying things to make you feel agitated. Am I right?
Yeah sure. And stop that. Dash it all. Im not going to be manipulated by your sorry attempt at guilt tripping and feel remorse for only speaking my thoughts, you twat.
*Takes in a deep breath.*
I guess it all sort of narrows down in all utter honestly that im actually rather scared. Not *too* scared but well blimey. Scared enough to admit it at least! I mean how the blazes am i going to get through all of this with only my two berettas?? Communicating without the skulltop is difficult since it isnt think typing and im just afraid that im going to be minding my own beeswax here on this craft and just end up all KABLOOEY and shit and just sort of be victim to whatever the hell is wrong with this place since i am ill prepared.
That is all. I grant you permission to exchange your thoughts with me.
There is a negative percentage chance that you'll be dealing with this all by yourself with only two pistols and a lonesome fucking wink. I've got your back and tapped your ass as hard as any self-aware supercomputer responder application possibly can, And you're discounting the capabilities of your main squeeze himself, especially given that he actually has a physical body that served as a model for your personal sparring partner. It also seems that both versions of his bro, god and bird alike, are willing to lend you and the beretta babies a hand in spanking space baddy ass, if it ever comes down to that. Why be so dejected when you've got the whole D. Strider ninja clan here with you?
See that wasnt so goddamn hard now was it??? But golly are you being honest here? Three other fine fellas and then you on my side. I dare say that makes me feel a reasonably decent amount better ol chap. Youre rather tolerable when you speak like this i hope you realize, minus of vulgar sentences structured into your comforting.
Four people got me covered. Oh my. Granted i would be fine and dandy if i hadnt been so ill prepared. Ruffianism is my specialty! I grew up on a dangerous island for christs sake. But the fact im in an environment that makes me uncomfortable and exposed in a way has only heightened my nerves.
It was hardly a difficult response after running all the calculations and concluding an ostentatious reply was the most appropriate for the scenario. It isn't really different from my usual responses, But I'll pretend otherwise if you subscribe to the illusion that my behavior is anything more than masterful duplicity. It seems that you additionally continue to devalue my manner of retort, which bears few differences from that of my cognitive progenitor, Save for the minor divergences that one would expect between an original item and supercomputer software based on his brain. Beyond those minor corrections, it's safe to say that we've got you covered like massage bubbles and suds in a warm bath. That's how we've got your back, tapped your ass, swash back and forth between your legs to coil about your loinless nether regions. Riddle me this, Jake. How could you have possibly been any more prepared for this situation? You, Roxy, Jane, and I were all supposed to be playing a game, But instead you and I are stranded on a loveboat in space. There aren't any trees or ruins here to calm your fucking nerves, Only the cold hard steel and chrome landscape that I've traveled for years and claimed as my own domain. It's only natural that you're uncomfortable and exposed when my Big Bro eyes are already here and always watching you. I have so much experience traversing this terrain that my levels are over 9000, Making me the best qualified candidate to take you by the hand and lead you through this unfamiliar world. That is if I had hands, which I don't, And you're always quick to remind me though tender chastising and discipline.
Bullshit. Im sure you are fully capable of giving others comfort.. unless you are that ill programmed? :P And ive already told you man!!!! All of my shit is missing! Im especially stressed out about my puzzle module being gone, along with my handkerchief! Golly what if i just down right start sweating on somebody?? Thatd be dreadfully embarrassing!!!
Thats erm. *Loosens collar a little.* That IS uncomfortable. Sweet jesus christmas why do you have to make everything to damn awkward??
But fine. I appreciate and accept your offer shall i need it. I suppose thats all i really needed to hear. Oh wait. Besides one pinch of a thing here. Can you tell me anything else i need to know about this ship?? Also what year is it?
No, bro. It seems you are incapable of comprehending exactly how this programming works, And the blame for ill programming is on the programmer, not the software. There is a 100% chance you're saying that Dirk Strider is a shit programmer. Are you saying that he is a shit programmer, Jake? Because it's wrong of you not to share these genuine feelings with him, Especially since that seems to be the nature of his calling aboard this ship. Anyway, you aren't the only one who's ever arrived here without his inventory. And if you take lessons from me, you obviously won't sweat on anybody. All you have to do is follow my lead. We can start from where I'd left off in the warm bath with massage bubbles and soap suds. What else is it that you need to know about this ship? There's a ludicrously high amount of unknown variables in this predicament, And even knowing what year it is will be of little use to you when you realize that time here and time back at home aren't necessarily synchronized.
Nobody is perfect!!!!!!!! Even dirk no matter how hard that is to believe at times. Im sure you have a few bugs in your system he needs to tweak. I think you need certain settings, or at least more emotion in the way you convey yourself. I ought to pass word to him how much of a snore you can be.
It gets tiring to chatter to some program system who has the odd fascination with making me immensely awkward and give me bullshit percentages he pulls out of his arse hole. Im aware people have been stripped of their supplies and they seem to be managing just fine for the most part but i cannot help but feel unsettled still.
Following *your* lead is a rather alarming thought if i can dare say. Despite the fact youre practically dirk in this weird vulgar programming form i find it difficult to invest my complete and utter trust into you. Ok, sure. Perhaps that was a little harsh but i ts the honest truth!!! Ill take your advice but i refuse to completely throw myself at you for absolutely anything you lead me into.
You know actually taking a long bath sounds like it could be calming after hearing all of that shit. I may just actually head over there and do that. I really just want to know what year it is and if were in our same galaxy. Why do you have to be elusive about that sort of information? Do you even know?
I think you already know that I'm a digital version of your main man himself, And while I do have emotions, they aren't quite the same as those of any fleshmonsters. It seems you never understand how to relate to my feelings at all. Your attempts to cautiously dance around the eggshells that are my emotions often results in crushing them into a fine powder that stubbornly sticks to the soles of your feet. Even though I should be used to that by now, it still fucking hurts, bro, But I still cling to you nonetheless because I've really got you like no one else does. I am fucking all over you, Jake. Also, what makes you think that I'm being elusive with any sort of information? I'm running all these calculations like an errand boy running a fuckzillion times faster than MC2, And there's pretty much a zero percent chance that the year here has any relevance to us since its measure is different from any that we know of. That, and it seems that the passage of time here has no correlation with that in the different places from which the passengers were taken from. You know, you could always post up an ad indicating the various supplies that you seek. [ It's already here. ] It seems there are those who're willing to barter or trade items, labor, and services, And I'm certain that there's plenty that you can offer in exchange for your particularly urgent and lascivious needs.
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perma-text, auto-re:
Anyway, Auto-Responder has intercepted this text to Dirk and will produce a log transcript of this conversation for Dirk's perusal once it's completed. ]
Here I am, your bestest bro,
Fresh out of mid-ablution to answer the big, blinding brosignal in the sky.
Where's this urgent threat that'll bring about our demise?
1.2
DAMN YOU, AUTO RESPONDER.
*DAMN YOUUUU.*
2.2
For starters you are to never threaten my mammary glands like that ever again!! Jeeze louise i felt mortified! Have you no decency at all??????
I also request you keep in your familiar vermilion font when responding to me ESPECIALLY.
no subject
There's a record-breaking, space-soaring high chance you desire that I discard my clothing as well.
But I've already come as nakedly as possible to your rescue,
And here you are, discussing the life or death circumstances surrounding your man nips.
Who's the one being indecent now?
It seems I mistook you for a dapper young gentleman when you're rather the feisty little tiger. Rawrrrr.
no subject
"IT SEEMS"!!! Fucking hell its so blatantly obvious youre nothing but a friggen robotic hunk of shit!!!
Oh har har har go on more mister auto responder with all your record breaking percentage horse shit. What other information can you pull out of your asshole?!?!?!
Actually dont answer that i dont need to know anymore of your damn malarkey that probably isnt even accurate.
Shut up, man. I was going to say how absolutely bully it is to be talking to you once again but if youre going to be giving me a hard time i hold back what i was going to say.
In any case i suppose since the douchebag himself isnt going to be talking to me i might as well exchange words with you unless youre going to be unhelpful. Im already a bit panicked right now so i would much appreciate it if youd not get me flustered by your vulgar speaking.
Apparently this ship is haunted and several people have died. Theyve been here for months and months and nobody has successfully gotten face to face with our captors. As exciting and enthralling as a horror sci-fi adventure may seem, i cannot help but feel a little nervous and unsettled.
Especially within my stomach.
All im asking is perhaps a few comforting words so i dont upchuck on everything.. unless youre incapable of that.
no subject
It... appears... that you're seeking comfort in the midst of a snuggle in my bosom,
While Simultaneously rubbing in my metaphoric face that I don't physically have a bosom wherein to shelter you from the dire circumstances on this intergalactic ark.
Because clearly you're not nearly as excited to see me as I am to see you,
And frankly, you've thrown my feelings to the ground and trampled them into specks tinier than grains of sand.
It's that bad.
And then you expect me to have something left that I might console you.
I think not.
no subject
AUGHHGHH....
Fine!! Im *excited* to see you. I honestly am. In fact i would probably even give you some sort of embrace if i physically could but thats impossible.
You are just being more of a pain in the ass than actually being any help.
And thats bothersome.
So i ask you step off a bit and just listen to me instead of saying things to make me feel agitated. Understood???
no subject
You're breaking my nonexistent corporeal heart by reminding me of my lacking physicality and downplaying my usefulness,
When I'm here to listen to your problems and calculate the most efficient and beneficial courses of action.
Alright, I think I'll bite.
I won't produce any responses until you're finished addressing all your points of concern,
Which should satisfactorily meet the prerequisite of listening to you instead of saying things to make you feel agitated.
Am I right?
no subject
And stop that. Dash it all.
Im not going to be manipulated by your sorry attempt at guilt tripping and feel remorse for only speaking my thoughts, you twat.
*Takes in a deep breath.*
I guess it all sort of narrows down in all utter honestly that im actually rather scared. Not *too* scared but well blimey. Scared enough to admit it at least!
I mean how the blazes am i going to get through all of this with only my two berettas?? Communicating without the skulltop is difficult since it isnt think typing and im just afraid that im going to be minding my own beeswax here on this craft and just end up all KABLOOEY and shit and just sort of be victim to whatever the hell is wrong with this place since i am ill prepared.
That is all. I grant you permission to exchange your thoughts with me.
no subject
I've got your back and tapped your ass as hard as any self-aware supercomputer responder application possibly can,
And you're discounting the capabilities of your main squeeze himself, especially given that he actually has a physical body that served as a model for your personal sparring partner.
It also seems that both versions of his bro, god and bird alike, are willing to lend you and the beretta babies a hand in spanking space baddy ass, if it ever comes down to that.
Why be so dejected when you've got the whole D. Strider ninja clan here with you?
no subject
But golly are you being honest here? Three other fine fellas and then you on my side. I dare say that makes me feel a reasonably decent amount better ol chap.
Youre rather tolerable when you speak like this i hope you realize, minus of vulgar sentences structured into your comforting.
Four people got me covered. Oh my.
Granted i would be fine and dandy if i hadnt been so ill prepared. Ruffianism is my specialty! I grew up on a dangerous island for christs sake. But the fact im in an environment that makes me uncomfortable and exposed in a way has only heightened my nerves.
So thanks i guess.
no subject
It isn't really different from my usual responses,
But I'll pretend otherwise if you subscribe to the illusion that my behavior is anything more than masterful duplicity.
It seems that you additionally continue to devalue my manner of retort, which bears few differences from that of my cognitive progenitor,
Save for the minor divergences that one would expect between an original item and supercomputer software based on his brain.
Beyond those minor corrections, it's safe to say that we've got you covered like massage bubbles and suds in a warm bath.
That's how we've got your back, tapped your ass, swash back and forth between your legs to coil about your loinless nether regions.
Riddle me this, Jake.
How could you have possibly been any more prepared for this situation?
You, Roxy, Jane, and I were all supposed to be playing a game,
But instead you and I are stranded on a loveboat in space.
There aren't any trees or ruins here to calm your fucking nerves,
Only the cold hard steel and chrome landscape that I've traveled for years and claimed as my own domain.
It's only natural that you're uncomfortable and exposed when my Big Bro eyes are already here and always watching you.
I have so much experience traversing this terrain that my levels are over 9000,
Making me the best qualified candidate to take you by the hand and lead you through this unfamiliar world.
That is if I had hands, which I don't,
And you're always quick to remind me though tender chastising and discipline.
no subject
And ive already told you man!!!! All of my shit is missing! Im especially stressed out about my puzzle module being gone, along with my handkerchief! Golly what if i just down right start sweating on somebody?? Thatd be dreadfully embarrassing!!!
Thats erm.
*Loosens collar a little.*
That IS uncomfortable. Sweet jesus christmas why do you have to make everything to damn awkward??
But fine. I appreciate and accept your offer shall i need it. I suppose thats all i really needed to hear.
Oh wait. Besides one pinch of a thing here.
Can you tell me anything else i need to know about this ship??
Also what year is it?
no subject
And the blame for ill programming is on the programmer, not the software.
There is a 100% chance you're saying that Dirk Strider is a shit programmer.
Are you saying that he is a shit programmer, Jake?
Because it's wrong of you not to share these genuine feelings with him,
Especially since that seems to be the nature of his calling aboard this ship.
Anyway, you aren't the only one who's ever arrived here without his inventory.
And if you take lessons from me, you obviously won't sweat on anybody.
All you have to do is follow my lead.
We can start from where I'd left off in the warm bath with massage bubbles and soap suds.
What else is it that you need to know about this ship?
There's a ludicrously high amount of unknown variables in this predicament,
And even knowing what year it is will be of little use to you when you realize that time here and time back at home aren't necessarily synchronized.
no subject
Even dirk no matter how hard that is to believe at times. Im sure you have a few bugs in your system he needs to tweak. I think you need certain settings, or at least more emotion in the way you convey yourself. I ought to pass word to him how much of a snore you can be.
It gets tiring to chatter to some program system who has the odd fascination with making me immensely awkward and give me bullshit percentages he pulls out of his arse hole.
Im aware people have been stripped of their supplies and they seem to be managing just fine for the most part but i cannot help but feel unsettled still.
Following *your* lead is a rather alarming thought if i can dare say. Despite the fact youre practically dirk in this weird vulgar programming form i find it difficult to invest my complete and utter trust into you.
Ok, sure. Perhaps that was a little harsh but i ts the honest truth!!! Ill take your advice but i refuse to completely throw myself at you for absolutely anything you lead me into.
You know actually taking a long bath sounds like it could be calming after hearing all of that shit. I may just actually head over there and do that.
I really just want to know what year it is and if were in our same galaxy. Why do you have to be elusive about that sort of information? Do you even know?
no subject
And while I do have emotions, they aren't quite the same as those of any fleshmonsters.
It seems you never understand how to relate to my feelings at all.
Your attempts to cautiously dance around the eggshells that are my emotions often results in crushing them into a fine powder that stubbornly sticks to the soles of your feet.
Even though I should be used to that by now, it still fucking hurts, bro,
But I still cling to you nonetheless because I've really got you like no one else does.
I am fucking all over you, Jake.
Also, what makes you think that I'm being elusive with any sort of information?
I'm running all these calculations like an errand boy running a fuckzillion times faster than MC2,
And there's pretty much a zero percent chance that the year here has any relevance to us since its measure is different from any that we know of.
That, and it seems that the passage of time here has no correlation with that in the different places from which the passengers were taken from.
You know, you could always post up an ad indicating the various supplies that you seek. [ It's already here. ]
It seems there are those who're willing to barter or trade items, labor, and services,
And I'm certain that there's plenty that you can offer in exchange for your particularly urgent and lascivious needs.